Some Random Gags


  • My mate’s allergic to rice. He’s basmatic.
  • Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
  • What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? You’ve got to be Inuit to win it.
  • A French cat called Un Deux Trois and an English cat called One Two Three had a swimming race. One Two Three won because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque.
  • A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre – so the barman gave her one.
  • I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year and didn’t see a single canary. Next year I’m going to the Virgin Islands.
  • What’s short, furry and highly dangerous? Sex with a bear.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
  • What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? The each have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human.
  • Good things come to those who wait, but shit pretty much turns up straight away.
  • Why did the agnostic cross the road? So he could see both sides.
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The 15 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2013


More for the record…

  1. Rob Auton – “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
  2. Alex Horne – “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.”
  3. Alfie Moore – “I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”
  4. Tim Vine – “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’.”
  5. Gary Delaney – “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”
  6. Phil Wang – “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.”
  7. Marcus Brigstocke – “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”
  8. Liam Williams – “The universe implodes. No matter.”
  9. Bobby Mair – “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.”
  10. Chris Coltrane – “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”
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Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2011


Just for the record.

  1. Nick Helm: “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
  2. Tim Vine: “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
  3. Hannibal Buress: “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time’. You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
  4. Tim Key: “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… once you’ve hired the car…”
  5. Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
  6. Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
  7. Alan Sharp: “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
  8. Mark Watson: “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
  9. Andrew Lawrence: “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
  10. DeAnne Smith: “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”
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