Eleven More Gags from Edinburgh 2019

 Funniest Joke of The Fringe Award Winner

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets.
Olaf Falafel


Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
Richard Stott

What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
Milton Jones

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows’.
Jake Lambert

A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.
Ross Smith

Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning.
Ross Smith

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it.
Adele Cliff

After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
Richard Pulsford

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian.
Mark Simmons

I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts.
Ivo Grahamm

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Eleven top gags from Edinburgh 2019

My Mum’s new obsession is trying to do 10,000 steps a day. That’s her whole life. Every day, 5000 out, 5000 back, like a sort of menopausal Proclaimer.
Stuart McPherson

My name is Mo, short for Mohamed. No relation
Mo Omar

My counsellor hates me, so we had something in common straightaway.
Hannah Platt

I’m from a big family – I’m one of five kids. Growing up in a big family is amazing, if you’re a fan of neglect.
Helena Langdon

I had a mental breakdown on my gap year so my mum sent my brother to find me; even though I’d already gone to Thailand to find myself.
Luke Chilton

My ex-girlfriend’s dad kept asking me whether I ski or snowboard. The closest I’ve been is down a hill on a bin lid.
Joe Hobbs

I’m living the American dream, which since 2016 has been NOT being in America.
Kemah Bob

I was on a train and there was a sign that said “we don’t tolerate anti-social behaviour at any point”… so I just stood up and introduced myself to everyone.
Donald Alexander

My therapist says I need to work on my dependency issues… but she’s the one that wants to see me twice a week.
Hannah Fairweather

I’m gay, I’m dyslexic and I’m left-handed – I am a catholic teacher’s worst nightmare.
Josh Jones

My girlfriend recently described me as a “sex god”… because I’m so ineffective she’s not always convinced I’m there.
Bryan Ghosh

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Some Random Gags

  • My mate’s allergic to rice. He’s basmatic.
  • Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
  • What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? You’ve got to be Inuit to win it.
  • A French cat called Un Deux Trois and an English cat called One Two Three had a swimming race. One Two Three won because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque.
  • A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre – so the barman gave her one.
  • I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year and didn’t see a single canary. Next year I’m going to the Virgin Islands.
  • What’s short, furry and highly dangerous? Sex with a bear.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
  • What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? The each have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human.
  • Good things come to those who wait, but shit pretty much turns up straight away.
  • Why did the agnostic cross the road? So he could see both sides.
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