American Wit


Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody goes slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifsr

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edition

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands they’re picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
C Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s YOU·
Rita Mae Brown

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