Revamped Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.
Oh s**t, it’s Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt ’twas split right up the front…
But she didn’t wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man ‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon.
10,000 Volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth.
And now it’s black and crispy.

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