Disclaimer: I didn’t write these. I don’t even necessarily agree with them. I’m just passing them on for their amusement value! (I even removed one I thought was a bit brutal. Ask me about it if you see me.) Anyway, I don’t think they’re any worse than the stuff Jo Brand comes out with and even men laugh at her.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
How do you annoy a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she hands it to you.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!
FORGET IT JUST SEND IT TO MEN