The 15 Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2016

  1. My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” – Masai Graham
  2. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” – Stuart Mitchell
  3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10” – Mark Watson
  4. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” – Mark Smith
  5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” –Will Duggan
  6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” –Tiff Stevenson
  7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” – Gary Delaney
  8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” – Adele Cliff
  9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” – Annie McGrath
  10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” – Jordan Brookes
  11. “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” – Michelle Wolf
  12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” – Roger Swift
  13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” – Arthur Smith
  14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” – Zoe Lyons
  15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” –Phil Nicol
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Cecil Parkinson

Cecil Parkinson goes up to Heaven and knocks on the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter puts his head out and says “Oh, it’s you is it. What do you want?”
“Well, I’d like to come in” says Parky.
“You’re joking,” says Saint Peter. We don’t allow Tory Cabinet ministers in here and especially not you, not after the way you treated your daughter!”
“But I did some good things in my life” objects Parky.
“Such as?” says Peter.
Parky racks his brains and says “Well, I once gave ten pounds to Oxfam.”
“Is that all?” says Peter “You’ll have to do better than that to get in here.”
Parky thinks again and says “I also gaver a tenner to Children In Need and another ten quid to Chistian Aid. Surely that must count for something.”
“Hmm. Wait here” says Saint Peter, “I’ll have to consult The Boss on this one.”
Five minutes later Peter returns and says “Ok. I’ve had a word with God. Here’s your thirty quid back. Now f**k off!”
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King Wenceslas’ Pizza

Q. How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A. Deep pan, crisp and even.

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